Some things I really miss…
Do I really miss them or is it just the memories?
I’ve been holding on to a regret for awhile, and it’s heavy. I want to put it down but it won’t budge. I don’t have the courage to.
Courage? That was what created this regret. I had no courage to face the fears. I had no determination to see myself through it. I didn’t have enough fire in me to trust in myself that I can survive this.
I didn’t have courage.
And this courage produced emptiness. This courage formulated regret. This courage sculpted scars and unhealed wounds. This courage created me; right now, here.
I longed to live on a stage with lights that blind me and pain in my body that only spoke of my love. I craved for the attention to speak my soul and heart through my actions. I longed for movements to express my captivated heart. I yearn for the time I could speak and spread the love I have to those who see. Many times I wished I could have been braver and more courageous. But too many times have I failed.
Regret keeps building up like stacks of papers and work we face. Day by day, it gets thicker and thicker. In a blink of an eye, you are surrounded by them. You are drowning in these papers that spell out regret and guilt.
I miss dance. I regret not persevering. very very much.
There is a reason for everything, people say.
I ask, “Lord, what was this purpose meant for? What lessons are you trying to teach me?”
And every time, all I hear is: “Wait,”
Obediently I shall. Obediently I will.
Tonight, I face one of the toughest nights struggling with what I want and what God wants. In this wee hour, my mind wrestles and hustles to fight for what it wants. My heart? otherwise. It speaks of patience and obedience to listen and wait. It speaks of faith and trust. It tells me to take heart, have faith.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
– Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
PEACE it shall be.
Emptiness to be filled in God’s timing.
I gotta admit this isn’t the only problem I’m facing now. There are 101 things on my mind that bothers me. But I know these 101 things are also being taken care of.
\\ Today I was in school practicing for my practical exams happening on Tuesday. Halfway through it, I felt a gush of negativity and darkness and walked away. Shocked, a close friend came to me and asked. I simply said: ” I give up. “ I was ready to succumb back into the darkness and let myself drown in negativity. Thank God he didn’t do the former to me. Instead, he reminded me that when we fail, we get up and try again.
We keep trying until we get it right.
Wow, that triggered me; drastically.
Firstly: That is so cliche. Why would you think that would’ve helped?
Secondly: I know that. But I choose not to because that is too tiring.
Thirdly and most importantly, the pivoting point: it reminded me of dance.
In every dance class, I cannot imagine how many times I have actually practiced this. Re-trying and retrying. Even if we do not get it at the end of the class, we keep trying. Week by week, day by day. Hour by hour.
Where did that drive go? It probably left me the time I bid my goodbyes to dance.
BUT. this time I would not let it run away.
I am working this hard for my future patients so I know what the best treatment is. I am driving and pushing myself so I can help more people. Like in rehearsals, we will run through. Again and again. They always say, “from the top”. I guess this is what is similar in dance and in my course. Never ever giving up; running through from the top. again and again. That was our favourite word.
Funny how I just got reminded once when people asked, “You switched drastically from a dance background to a healthcare field in physiotherapy. What are some similarities?”
And now, I’d say. This perseverance. This idea that as my friend knocked some sense into me, “when we fail, we get up and try again.” Literally in dance. When we fall from a pirouette, from a failed tour en lair, from a failed grand jete; we get up from the floor and start from where we were only to repeat the same sequence again and again.
At last a thought I leave with you:
Stop being so impatient, wait on Him. In everything we do, wait on Him.
For some reason, this emptiness I felt at the start of writing this post became filled. Filled with hope that the Lord will provide.